Vietnam – An American complex

In the past week I have seen many articles concerning the influence of politicians service (or non-service) in Vietnam.  Most recently, Richard Blumenthal claimed he served when actually he did not.  During the presidential election of 2004 there was a big issue about the “swift boat” soldiers and to be honest, I forget what the controversy was and really do not feel like looking it up.

Being an American who has lived in Vietnam, I really cannot understand why (in what it would seem) in every political election we have to keep mentioning Vietnam and who did what there.  I am no academic on the issue but what I can tell you is that what happened there certainly was not good for either country and therefore do not understand why it would be seen as a political “badge of honor” for current politicians.

Perhaps it is a generational thing.  I was born just after the war and if I do my calculation right then these politicians must be around 50 years old.  I’m also a bit confused because when I listen to the music of their generation it would seem like many were against the war so why would it be seen as a positive thing to have participated now?  I understand the “service to country” aspect of it, but would it not be best forgotten as a very difficult period and time to move on?  What happened to the “Beetles Generation” and the message of peace, love and getting along with people?  When did it switch to “how good of a soldier were you?”

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions and from my experience I would describe the political climate as a sort of “bizarro world” in which participating in an awful war scores political points.  Could participation just be seen as neutral?  Why does advocating peace during that time not score any points?

Again, I was born after the war ended and can only relate my experience in Vietnam which might explain why I think all this “Vietnam” talk is crazy.

I lived there for a period of two years and would have absolutely no problem moving back should circumstances permit it.  I find the Vietnamese to be very wonderful people and extremely open and friendly.  In fact, the Vietnamese are some of my favorite people should I set about comparing people of different nations.  So, when I come back to the USA and have to listen to politicians try and score points off each other concerning a terrible war I get a little sick to my stomach.

There are some things I could write that would definitely not be very popular but this is not what concerns me.  I have a large amount of Vietnamese friends and to drag up all those painful memories would be a disservice to everyone.  So I’m just going to write a very quick summary from the things I have learned both from American and Vietnamese points of view.  If there are any academics out there please feel free to correct if I’m in error.

A Quick History Lesson – With things most likely not taught until university…

– The French were in Vietnam for quite a long time.  Colonialism is when a stronger country takes over a weaker country and uses the resources and population for their own benefit.  Some Vietnamese do well by this but I would say a large majority resent being subjugated by the larger power.  Ho Chi Minh often talked about racism and the unjust treatment many Vietnamese suffered at the hands of the French.  His principal aim was simply to get the French out of Vietnam and restore sovereignty.

Through his writings he eventually came to be seen as a leader and from what I understand was looking for ANY ally to help him drive out the French.  The following is cited from Wikipedia

“he petitioned for recognition of the civil rights of the Vietnamese people in French Indochina to the Western powers at the Versailles peace talks, but was ignored. Citing the language and the spirit of the U.S. Declaration of Independence, Quốc petitioned U.S. PresidentWoodrow Wilson for help to remove the French from Vietnam and replace it with a new, nationalist government. His request was ignored.”

Apparently, the western nations had no problem with an Asian country being under the thumb of another western nation so no support there.  The only choice Ho Chi Minh had was to turn to Russia and China.  I wonder what would have happened if his requests had not been ignored.  Perhaps it is safe to say things could have turned out to be completely different?

Time goes by and Ho Chi Minh returns to Vietnam to lead the independence movement.  He again PETITIONS THE USA FOR HELP and is ignored.  He even tried to base the independence on borrowings from French and American declarations as stated here by Wikipedia:

After the August Revolution (1945) organized by the Việt Minh, Hồ became Chairman of the Provisional Government (Premier of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam) and issued a Proclamation of Independence of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam that borrowed much from the French and American declarations.[13] Though he convinced EmperorBảo Đại to abdicate, his government was not recognized by any country. He repeatedly petitioned American PresidentHarry Truman for support for Vietnamese independence,[14] citing the Atlantic Charter, but Truman never responded.

Time goes on and Ho Chi Minh finally drives out the French.  Yet, as a condition of the treaty the western powers decide to split the country with Ho Chi Minh in the North and non-communists in the south.  (Divide and conquer anyone?)

Then the Americans support the south and China and Russia support the north.  As stated by a good friend of mine, the Americans “sent advisors, then more advisors, then the advisors started shooting.”  American invades and I don’t think any more explanation is necessary.

What I am getting at with the history lesson is I find it amazing that Ho Chi Minh asked the USA to please add support in driving out a suppressive French regime only to be ignored, then attacked.  If the world had done the right thing and helped them gain independence then it would most likely follow we would have a very good relationship with Vietnam and avoided a war entirely!

Now, fast forward to this decade and my time spent there.  As I already mentioned, I find the Vietnamese to be some of the kindest, warm-hearted people in the world.  Yet, from history lessons I really could not connect why in the world we ever let a war happen?  I’m sure some will say for “this reason and that” but given that Ho Chi Minh asked numerous times for help just to get a colonialist power out of his country I find myself in a world that simply doesn’t make any sense.

Being that the only thing I knew in the beginning was about the war, I quickly found myself at the “War Crimes Museum.”  From the images and things I saw, let’s ju
st say they were ALL BAD and when a current politician wants to flippantly bring up the war I believe they should do so with some of those images I saw right next to their stupid faces.

I also saw many of the lingering after affects such as what happens to people when they come into contact with agent orange and how it affects their offspring.  This is not good either.

But I no longer wish to write about that period but rather the Vietnam that exists today.  I only wrote those things to get some people to understand the horror of war, the inexplicable events that lead up to it and to remind people that the politicians who continually want to bring up the Vietnam,,, er excuse me, American war, are all idiots.

Vietnam today is a country that is focused on the future. They have a great amount of enthusiastic young people who are very excited to learn about the world and build Vietnam into a great nation.  I cannot tell you how many smiling young people I saw and how it really made me feel glad.

I also saw that America was also trying to heal the wounds and observed these developments.

1. Many US veterans doing wonderful things like building parks and schools.
2. The first direct flight to Vietnam from the USA since the war.  (United Airlines – I was at the party, think it was called “A Walk in the Clouds”)
3. US navy is allowed to dock at a Vietnamese port for the first time since the war
4. US companies setting up shop.

The Vietnamese view on the war is to forgive, forget and move on.  Why can’t the American politicians do the same?  My advice to you politicians is to get old quick and move out of office.  Let some people in who are not stuck in the ’60s and ’70s.

As a side note, I wish we could bring back my grand-parents generation so they could ground the entire generation of baby boomer politicians.

Four City Impressions: Tokyo, Saigon, Columbus, San Francisco

It has been three and a half years since I first came to San Francisco to work on the career aspect of my life. Things have gone according to plan, I’ve settled into a routine and time has gone quickly. In fact, this is the most time I’ve spent in once city in the past decade.

This past month I was fortunate enough to be able to visit the cities in Asia and America I call home in rapid succession. My reason for doing so were simply to remember what life is like over in various cities and to think about the future. The one problem with moving from city to city is you always miss the ones you’ve left and there is always a sort of pull beckoning you to go back. It was this voice that I wanted to quiet a little as well as determine which world would be most suitable for the future.

When one is away from any city for a long time, the image of that city is continually built up in the mind and may make it seem better than it actually is. My mind especially reinforces the good aspects while negating the bad. I had to return to put it all in perspective.
Further, it is the experience one remembers and not the city as it actually is and not all experiences will be the same. However, I also believe that one has the power to physically change any experience simply by choosing how the mind will perceive it. This is why some will have negative experiences while others enjoy the time of their life even though they are experiencing the same city.

I went on my trip as one returning home and not as a tourist. I simply wanted to revisit the places and neighborhoods that were my home at one time.
Therefore, I thought it might be wise to write down my thoughts while they are still fresh and to share my experiences in these vastly different places.

1. Tokyo

– Tokyo is a city that could be described as a futuristic place in the present. It is clean, orderly and crime is almost non-existent. The technology is very advanced and returning to San Francisco, I can’t shake the feeling that it seems 10-15 years behind!

My neighborhood in Tokyo runs from Ikebukuro up to Kawagoe and westward along the Yamanote line to Shibuya. It was here that I ate at my favorite restaurants, had coffee in places where I used to study Japanese and had some beers at my favorite hangouts. It seemed as though time had not really changed things and I could easily slip back into that world.
Yet, it would not be the same world if I were to return. I was there as a student and English teacher and did not have to fight the crowded trains day in and day out. My Japanese is good enough to live in that world.

If I were to return I would be faced with the monumental task of improving my Japanese to native level which would take many years and dedicated nightly study. One part of me finds this to be difficult. Yet, whether something is difficult or not simply depends on the mindset when doing it. There will be peaks and valleys but with the right attitude there will be more peaks along the road.

The tougher aspect would be integrating into a mostly Japanese world. Before, I spent a lot of time with foreigners and achieved a very comfortable level of life. Going back I would have to integrate 100% which one can never really achieve since Japan is a homogeneous society and I would always be an outsider. However, with the right attitude one can get very close and become “accepted,” even if becoming completely “Japanese” is not possible.

In regards to integration one will have to become part of various groups. These groups are the people you work with, the neighborhood and even society at large. One must then abide by all the rules of these groups which inhibits individualism. Here in the USA we are individualistic and pursue our own goals in which we can sometimes bend rules. It reminds me a bit of the movie “The Matrix” in that Neo has the power to shape his environment as he wants it to be. In Japan there are no bending of rules and the Matrix is as it is with the individual having no power to change it. One must simply keep trying to accomplish what they will in a static fashion and various opportunities are spaced farther in between. One must pursue the aims of the group over the individual.

To put this in greater perspective, I left Japan Airlines (great company) due to my own aims and career goals. In Japan, this would not be a normal thing and much harder to do. In fact would almost seem like a betrayal and perhaps seen as a negative on the resume.

The positive aspect to moving back here is that my faculties would be awash in the culture and language. It would be like a child exploring an entirely new playground even if he knew how to navigate a select few of the obstacles. My Japanese would improve tremendously and I would have to keep myself more alert in order to advance.

Here in San Francisco it seems I rarely need to think at all and could sleepwalk through most days. It is as if the current of life has picked me up to carry me along the way and all I need to do is float. In Japan I would have to tread water pretty quickly at first and watch out for the boulders in the stream to keep advancing.

In short, Tokyo would be a great place to return to but life would take a lot of effort. But again, it is only as difficult as my mind tells me it is and if I regard it as simple and fun then so it would be.

2. Saigon

– The best part about Saigon are the people. I love the Vietnamese and regard them as very warm, kind and full of life. These people have been through so much yet it is very easy to find a smile in this city. Further, the expatriate crowd is extremely interesting as they come from all corners of the globe and usually have interesting stories to tell. I like the fact that I can walk into almost any restaurant/bar, converse in different languages and hear their story. The simple fact that they are in Saigon makes them adventurous and one can easily get a completely different viewpoint of any situation which simply doesn’t happen in the USA.

As for the Vietnamese, I don’t think I’ve every really met one that I didn’t like. Sure, sometimes there are struggles but I would be hard pressed to think of even one Vietnamese “sourpuss” if you’ll pardon the expression. When I encounter the service over there it puts a smile on my face and is very easy to be positive. Here in S.F. it can sometimes be a challenge to remain positive and keep that karma flowing.

Now, please don’t misunderstand, there are many great people here in San Francisco but there are also those that are not very happy with their life and it really drives the point home that money does not equal happiness. Even the street vendors offer a great smile in Vietnam where customer service here sometimes gives me the impression that I am bothering the vendor. I may be explaining this point poorly but my point is that it is very easy to be happy in Saigon where in S.F. it sometimes takes a bit of work (especially if you commute).

Yet, Saigon really no longer feels like home and that is due to the rapid changes in the city. Saigon has no recession, buildings are going up left and right and young people are finding plenty of nice office work. There is nothing that brings a bigger smile to my face then watching the young Vietnamese on a company outing with the same color hats and shirts on and their smiles simply beaming!! A beaming smile while working in S.F. is very scarce.

The Vietnamese are enjoying life at the moment and are definitely on the up and up. It is as if you can really see the people for who they are and nothing is hidden. And they are a wonderful people!! In Tokyo, the people are very polite but there is a distance between everyone. This lubricates the society but it takes a very long time to feel close or make good fr
iends. In Vietnam this could be accomplished in seconds.

I have gone astray and must digress a bit to Saigon not feeling like home. The reason is that before, it was still a pretty small city and it seemed as though all the expatriates new each other. We attended the same events, went to the same bars and could theoretically attend every event going on in the city! Further, there were quite a few Vietnamese who also attended these sort of foreigner events and I knew most of them too.

Now, there are foreigners everywhere, many more functions and associations and it is impossible to know everyone. I really became aware of this when I first arrived at the airport. In 2004, I could shoot through immigration in 30 seconds as there were no lines and only about 10 inspectors. Now there are around 40 inspectors and lines!! Further, I could not believe how many foreigners there were!

I was amused at the foreigners in front of me at immigration who were obviously new. The inspector rebuffed them due to some paperwork error and they seemed surprised that they were not being let in. Being haughty to the immigration inspector also does not get you in the country any faster and I was glad to bypass them and be let in immediately.

In town I also realized that a lot of my favorite hangouts were now gone and that there were many new hotspots in town. Dong Koi street is no longer the foreigner hangout it used to be and is now over behind the Sun Wah tower! Going into these places I only recognized between one and three people instead of the usual 10-15 as before. I did feel special as one of the bartenders gave me a free drink and called me “old meat” which meant that I was one of the old crowd returned instead of all the “new meat.” My friends which were still there also informed me that even they did not recognize most of the foreigners anymore since there were so many of them.

Finally, an enormous change has been the Viet Kieu which are the returning Vietnamese that left in various waves fleeing the country. They have also changed the face of Saigon and have brought money with them. I was fortunate enough to meet some really great Viet Kieu and none of the bad. The bad ones look upon foreigners as though they don’t belong there because it is THEIR country and can sometimes be rude. Fortunately, the ones I met were very outgoing and we had a lot of fun.

This social dynamic is really going to change things and it will be interesting to watch how the Vietnamese adapt to these new returnees especially when they have a lot of money. So many people left and so many are returning that it will have a very big impact. In Japan, there are few that venture outside the country but the ones that do might have trouble re-adapting since they might have a hit of “foreignerness” about them. I don’t really want to go into this and mention it just for comparison with Vietnam.

In conclusion for Saigon, I’m very excited that the young people are doing so well and the country is progressing. I do feel a little sad though that the Saigon I knew is gone but I am just one traveler whose time there has passed. This does not mean that I will not be back for visits however and I sincerely hope that I cross paths with Vietnam frequently. Yet, as for living there again it does not seem optimal unless a very large business opportunity were to present itself.

3. San Francisco

– Out of all the cities in the USA (that I have visited) San Francisco is my favorite. The people are not as warm as the Vietnamese and the city is not as advanced as Tokyo but San Francisco is magnificent! The natural beauty and the talent of this city are unsurpassed. The people are also more laid-back then those down in LA except of course during their commute.

I love this city due to it’s walkable nature and its compact size. San Francisco can be taken in in its entirety yet there is always something new to discover. Tokyo on the other hand is overwhelming and one can only take one small area at a time which even then can never be fully discovered. San Francisco though is able to be digested in each of its unique neighborhoods over the course of a year or so. Further, the variety is astounding in that one could be snowboarding (Lake Tahoe) in the morning and drinking wine outdoors in 80 degrees (Napa) in the evening.

In regards to entertainment, even the small venues draw extraordinary talent. I used to believe that quality entertainment costs about $100. Yet, I have recently learned that it can be had for $15 and even great wine can be bought for $20.

The downside is that this city costs money. It is an adult playground but in order to play one must pay the fee. Further, it is not very easy to make friends without a lot of effort. In Saigon one makes friends whether they desire to or not. In Tokyo, many people are curious about foreigners and even though it takes a lot of time, with a positive attitude friends will come. Yet, in S.F. it succumbs to the “big city” mentality in that even though people can be friendly, one can only get so close before it becomes uncomfortable. Friends can be made but they must actively be sought out.

This could also simply just be my mindset as there are plenty of young adults around. Yet, I no longer go out to meet people but instead have set plans be it a restaurant or simply staying home and watching Netflix.

San Francisco is a great place to live if one can afford it and does not tire of all the activity. After three and a half years here I still enjoy a modest amount of activity but it is far from the nightly scene of Saigon.

4. Columbus

– My first impression about Columbus was that the people are extraordinarily friendly. I had begun to think that Americans were modestly friendly in comparison to the Vietnamese but that was my mistake and I had become to accustomed to San Francisco.

The atmosphere is much more laid back and I felt very much at peace there compared with the noise and activity of San Francisco. The main activity was going to a Blue Jackets game and talking about Ohio State Football. The politics also seemed much more reasonable and easy going than in S.F. where everything is a constant battle.

It almost seemed as though life was a bit slower and that my town of Grandview was like the fictional town of “Pleasantville.” People get along and are friendly but unfortunately Ohio State Football is more of a discussion topic than international affairs. This is not a slam in any way as I love Ohio but I miss listening to viewpoints I had never even fathomed (Saigon) rather than the usual opinions.

In Columbus, it seems to me that one could have all (or most of) the material things they wanted since living expenses are much more reasonable. A decent sized house, two cars, large T.V. and maybe even a pool table. The people are much more welcoming and friendly which really endears me to the Midwestern life style.

Yet, I feel I would miss the excitement of the international scene and any material items would soon become boring. I have always much preferred experiences to material things and I think it is too late to turn back the clock now. Yet, in terms of livability Columbus is very hard to beat in terms of raising a family.

In conclusion, each city offers distinct advantages while others would have to be sacrificed. It is so easy to simply coast along in life and let the current take you where it may. It is quite another deciding to get up out of the stream and place yourself in a completely different one, swimming like crazy until one is coasting again yet trying not to think of the streams they had previously left and if they would lead to a more perfect lake.

My Experience in Vietnam: 2004 – 2006

This is a snapshot of my life and experience in Vietnam from 2004 – 2006.  Things have changed tremendously and I miss those years a lot.  I thought I would post this video and add some information for anyone thinking of exploring Vietnam.

1. We start off in the countryside.  I really have no idea where this place was, it was just very beautiful

:13 – This is in the Dalat highlands.  Foreigners are only allowed to visit here with an “official” guide if you get my drift.  The reason is that the CIA tried to recruit here during the war and therefore the government is very mistrustful of what foreigners do here.  As for me, I just wanted to enjoy the culture.
:18 – We met some very friendly shop keepers and their super cute baby.  If you look at the expression on the mothers face she frowns a bit.  This is because our “guide” tried to say a word in their native language (not Vietnamese) but messed up the pronunciation.
:34 – The young lady laughs because I wasn’t sure how to catch her.  I need lessons.
:43 – This is at Cao Dai.  They have their own religion which focuses around the all seeing eye.
:50 – We were invited to a festival and the young lady in blue is a member of the communist party.  She was very friendly and an excellent host.
:54 – The way to get around Saigon is by motorbike.  To get to the other side of the street you have to pass right through the traffic.  The best way to explain how is like a school of fish.  You honk your horn repeatedly and the mass will swarm past you just like a school of fish would.  It’s really not difficult to do.  People on foot cross the street this way and the trick is to just walk very slowly and steadily.  Don’t make any sudden movements!
1:30 – This is “round-a-bout”  Again, like a school of fish, if a larger group is coming you stop and let them go first.  I was the last to pass by before another mass of cars/motorbikes joined in and took a bit of a risk here.
1:35 – The bow is because I didn’t get us killed at the round-a-bout.  🙂
1:45 – I’m wearing a wig because was recently at a costume party.  I went as an “american from the 70s.”  I saw my friends that night and most didn’t even recognize me.  Some guys from the US consulate (who also were on my darts team) looked at me like I had three heads.  ROFL
1:59 – I give a kiss to Claudia.  She is a Viet Kieu which means a “returning Vietnamese.”  During the war so many left but now are returning for vacation or to live but all to discover a bit more about their home country.  It’s so amazing because these people relocated all over the world.  Some speak German, some French, some English, basically they are coming from everywhere.
2:11 – Back in Dalat and a really cute baby is loving the music.  It’s when you see like things like this that you really start to detest war.
2:17 – On the “party boat” in Nha Trang.  This ride is completely awesome.  We always drank beer, then snorkeled, then did jumps off the boat.  They also create a “floating bar,” in which a crew member goes out in an intertube with a lot of bottles of TERRIBLE wine from Dalat.  We didn’t care that the wine is awful because we were pretty drunk anyway.  I remember speaking with a Viet Kieu from France and it was her first time back to Vietnam since she left as a baby.  Just so amazing to meet those people.
2:21 – Notice my Vietnamese buddy unknowingly “flips me off” English style when trying to give the peace sign.  ROFL!!!!  🙂
2:31 – We were invited to the house of a gentleman who was an officer in the North Vietnamese army.  We drank and had fun communicating through our translators.  Again, war is stupid, people are people and everyone just wants to enjoy life, no matter what side you are on.
2:36 – In the jungle in a creek.  This is in Mui Ne, a very beautiful beach side resort with amazing sand dunes.
2:37 – We met a bunch of kids who were very interested in us.  We bought them all coke and played a few games with them.
2:45 – This is Octoberfest which is a HUGE party at one of the hotels.  Basically, you drink beer, eat German food and drink some more beer.
2:50 – The dancers are entertaining us at a fund raiser for a local orphanage.  Very important to donate to these causes.  All the dancers were orphans. (5th of May School)
2:55 – This was the British Ambassador to Vietnam.
2:57 – We were at the St. Andrews Ball.  They even cut the haggis !!  This ball is the most exclusive in Saigon and a ticket runs about $100 US Dollars.
3:08 – Myself in front of Ben Than market.  This is popular with the tourists but frankly, there are other markets further out with better prices.  They would always ask my wife “O’ne-san, O’ne-san, nani hoshi??”  — Big Sister, Big Sister, what are you looking for?
3:13 – Cu Chi Tunnels –  These are the famous tunnels which the American Army unsuspectingly build a military base right on top of.  Now, it is full of tourists.  In the past, you were allowed to shoot kalashnikov rifles for a dollar a bullet but it was discontinued because a Korean committed suicide there.  Not sure if they allow this now since it was quite a while ago.
3:36 – Darts!  Most bars in Saigon have their own darts team.  I was the captain of mine and the team members belonged to companies such as BP, Conoco-Philips, Canadian Consulate, American Consulate.  We also were at the top of the league for a while.
3:56 – A beautiful sunset.  I really love Vietnam and hope that one day I’ll be reconnected with that country.


The Coconut Example – Services in America

One of the most intriguing things about living abroad, is the learning experience of returning to your native country and seeing norms, institutions, daily life with fresh eyes, almost comparable to that of a foreigner.

In some ways, I feel as though I have more control over my own life now that I have lived abroad and can look at things in my native country more critically now that I have a basis for comparison. Instead of simply saying “Well, that’s just the way it is” or “It’s what everybody does” I understand that what is “the norm” here in the USA may be the complete opposite in another country.

The ability to think through and rationalize problems, policies, ideas etcetera often follows a rather similar form of thought of any given country. If we break the country down into cities, towns, villages, we can more clearly understand that most people believe in the same things and have the same ideas as their neighbors. Yet, when we examine a nation as a whole, we have the tendency to believe (wrongly) that there is a large amount of diversity concerning opinions, beliefs and ideas.

Only after traveling large distances do opinions, ideas and beliefs drastically change. It is after experiencing these different forms of thought can we re-enter our own country with the confidence to challenge accepted norms that we perhaps simply accepted before as “the way things are.”

One extreme annoyance that is accepted as “the way it is” in America is that one must endure around at least 25 sales pitches for services every single day. Almost none of these services are needed for survival and it seems like due to this constant, mind-numbing, barrage of solicitations it has turned the population into mindless zombies constantly craving more merchandise to sustain them or they will keel over and die.

The advertisements themselves don’t even really need to make sense anymore as exemplified by the internet/communications companies whose services will allow you to “yap, zap, intertube” your way through the day all for the low low price of $60 a month.
This constant noise allows no room for any meaningful thought about what is actually important in life.

The purpose of life and society in America is to consume.

However, in S.E. Asia and especially Vietnam, there is time to think. They too will eventually become like the West in terms of sophistication in stealing, but at the moment, the companies are not clever enough to figure out how to shake every last cent out of their customers. There are times there unlike in America when someone or something is not trying to sell you a service and you can be alone with your thoughts.

Thus we come to my Coconut example which describes the anxiety I feel being back in the USA after living in Vietnam for two years. It also is a decent stab at an explanation of why I clearly prefer life in SE Asia over life here.

In America, like in Vietnam I am a consumer of basic services. In America one service I consume weekly is that of going to the bank to deposit my paycheck and take out some cash to sustain me until my next trip to the bank.

In Vietnam, one service I took advantage of on a regular basis was that of purchasing a coconut from the street vendor on my block. It quenched my thirst and was delicious.
The first time I purchased the coconut, he tried to overcharge me by 20 cents. However I knew the real price, told him I knew the price and he then charged me an honest price from then on. Every day from then on, I walk to his stand, hand him 80 cents and he gives me the coconut, end of transaction, and we are both happy.

Now let’s pretend that coconut vendor had an MBA from a prestigious American University like those who run the bank I patronize here in the states and imagine what would happen.

I go to purchase the coconut from our recently educated friend and he greets me with a smile and asks “How are you?” like a robot would and not listening to my response. I hand him my money for the coconut to which he replies.

“Keep your money, you don’t need to pay today for this coconut!”

He then proceeds to explain to me how I can pay him instead 5 cents a day for 25 days. However, I’m pretty sure I would be paying more for the same thing if I paid over time than right now to which he hands me a ten page explanation of the benefits of paying over time and how I could accumulate points on the “Thank You Network*” which points I could trade in for prizes by using this wonderful scheme.

I tell him, no thank you, I would rather pay right now, to which he replies, “Do you have our CoconutPlus* Membership Account card?” “It will save you 10% on your coconut purchase.”

I start to get a little annoyed but politely decline the card.

“So you’re sure you don’t want to save 10% on your coconut purchase today? You could also accumulate frequent flier miles for use on coconut express airways for ever dollar you spend on our membership card.”

Me: “No.”

He then proceeds to explain how he can deliver 10 coconuts a week directly to my house for the low low price of $30 a month plus tax, fees etc.

I’m a little interested in this as I love coconuts, and it seems like a deal. So I take a look at his flier which shows in a very large text the “Bargain price of $30.” However, as I take out my glasses to read the small print I see there is a “Convenience fee” of $10 per month as well as a “Service charge” of another $10 per month plus a “Delivery Charge” of $12 per month.

I start to get angry and tell him I just want a damn coconut and to take my ^%$damn cash.
To which he replies, “Oh, Congratulations Matthew, It shows me here on my coco computer that due to your excellent patronage of our store “Coconuts” and affiliates “Coconuts Plus” and “Coconuts Super Value” we can offer you our Coconut Visa with an introductory 0.0%APR a ten coconut line of credit and free balance transfers should you have coconut debt!

Me: “For the love of God, I just want one coconut, and want to give you this crummy 10,000VND bill for it. “

Vendor: Ok ok, would you like the Extra Value Coconut meal then? It’s only 50 cents more and you get so much more Coconut!!”

Me: “NO!!!”

He takes my bill, looks at me with his soulless eyes and big smile and tells me to “Have a Great Day!”

Unfortunately, I cannot have a great day as I’m now exhausted from what feels like a 10 hour long battle of defending my finances from a giant, yet suspiciously pleasant green dragon.

For those who don’t see the metaphor, at Bank of America, every single time I go to deposit a check, they tell me “Congratulations” and that I’m eligible for a Bank of America credit card. If I get “Congratulated” one more time I’m going to rip out my eyeballs. And today the teller actually did ask me if I already had another card, how much the APR was, and how much of a line of credit I had her. When I tried to politely insinuate it was none of her damn business it was as effective explaining Bio-Chemistry to the family dog.
I must go back to the world where people still smile with no hidden agenda. I must go back to a world of simplicity.

I must go back to Asia.