Hey Intelligence Agencies!!! Good news, I found the terrorists!! I’m sitting here watching the news in California and they’ve just reported that gang members have killed two 14 year olds in the past week! If you’re not too busy please use your “precision guided missles” to unleash some “shock and awe” in the city of Oakland. Random checks for weapons catches in the the Oakland city residents homes would also be advised since half the city appears to be gang bangers.
What is that you say? You are only allowed to do that in poor countries? What, you already deployed the National Guard to the border of Mexico to stop those “villians” who are just trying to make a better life for themselves? Nonsense!! I’m sure you could drop one daisy cutter, obliterate a couple city blocks in Oakland and the real terrorists would be done for! And just think, you could still make money by constructing a golf course, or perhaps high income housing in the new vacant lot! It’s a win win situation!
A concerned citizen,
PS: You can skip the Castro area. The terrorists are sure to keep far away from there on their own.
PSS: Just so you are sure to receive this message as you are now listening, reading the private communications of ordinary Americans, let me make sure your scanners pick up this message. bomb bomb bomb bomb.
I saw the picture above today in the news and just couldn’t help but laugh. As I sit here in SF contemplating my new job opportunities, I must admit that I’ve given a spit second thought to the NSA, CIA and FBI due to international experience and language abilities.
However, in light of current events I nixed the first two because they seem,, well,, evil. But one long standing excellent government department has always been the dependable FBI who seem like the good guys. These guys are the ones who stop the Mafia, catch the “real” bad guys and make life good here in America.
However, this picture obviously does not help their recruiting efforts. When one thinks of the above agencies, you are thinking James Bond, Mission Impossible, infiltrating the bad peoples’ hideouts like ninjas descending from above to karate kick those bad guys to hell. Unfortunately, this image destroyed all of that for me. It seems these dudes resemble Chris Farley more than a weapon of destruction. They look not only like they couldn’t run a mile, but to make matters worse, they are wearing Mission Impossible sunglasses!!! And beyond that, the one on the right is wearing a Lance Armstrong bracelet that sports people are supposed to wear!!! AND the one bending over has a FRIGGIN FANNY PACK ON!!!! You SIMPLY CANNOT BE COOL AND WEAR A FANNY PACK!!!!
The CIA and NSA may be evil but at least they can get away with their malicious deeds with an image of authority! A while back there was a picture of an NSA guard on duty who was fit, wore a black cap, sunglasses, and scarf over the lower half of his face which did make him look like a super-killer ninja! It made me feel like he must be thinking “Yes, we are going to listen to all of your communications and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it or I will infiltrate your house in the darkness of night with my super stealth, tie you up and drop you from a plane in Siberia!!!”
Also, one would think that should the news agencies even THINK about printing such an unflattering picture of their agencies such as the one above, the NSA would put the photographer in some secret prison in Eastern Europe approximately 2 seconds after the picture was snapped, and the CIA would hit their buildings with their deadly drones. But don’t worry FBI. Perhaps this event where you are actually taking action against the “real” bad people will overshadow the fact that your agents look like Homer Simpson on a treadmill. In my mind you are still an upstanding agency and an excellent American tradition.
But just in case my house is ever raided by the authorities, I sincerely hope it’s by the FBI because all I have to do is simply run for half a block until I’ve made my escape. Ok, that was mean. I still really do like the FBI and trust you guys and should you be hiring guys that weigh less than 200lbs please look me up.
Almost every ex-pat here in Saigon knows that there is a government dossier with their name on it from the moment they went through immigration. When I first heard of it, I was a bit taken aback and remember being taught that some governments in the world do this sort of thing. I also remember that living in America meant privacy from unnecessary government intrusion.
But I guess I was wrong. I stumbled (Mozilla browser “stumble” feature”) upon the ACLU’s website and found an interesting story about the “Matrix” formerly known as the “Total Information Awareness” which was then changed to “Terrorism Information Awareness” to deflect criticism. This system accumulates information about ordinary citizens including who they live with, their purchases, friends telephone number etcetera etcetera.
The US government says it’s a tool to combat terrorism yet they are collecting unnecessary information on everyone. Many states have shut the program down, but my state Ohio is one that still actively uses it. It is going to seem strange going back to my home country knowing that I could be spied upon by my own government like the Communist countries do. It makes my skin crawl that my own government is collecting such information on me, and although I have nothing to hide, it’s the principal of the matter that really gets my blood boiling.
The Bush administration as well as previous ones are behaving just like North Korea in regards to spying on their own citizens but hiding behind the fallacy that it is used only for terrorists. North Korea is just as paranoid about it’s own citizens and it looks like the United States is following the same path. At least in the Communist countries it’s common knowledge but the USA by doing the exact same things the other governments do except try to lie about it to assuage peoples concerns.
I’m sure most Americans disapprove of this new system but it is sad that others will defend the practice of their own privacy being invaded. These are the people who will later on wonder how in the hell they gave away their own privacy by not speaking up and trying to do something about it. Thank God for the ACLU which seems to be one of only a few agencies that still cares about the rights of the people.