E-mail to Ryan / HS Humor

E-mail is a lost art. We don’t send them anymore and even when we did, most people weren’t very good at personal e-mails and could only manage one or two sentences in my experience.  I’d certainly like to save a lot of my old e-mails and post them publicly or privately on this blog as I take the time to try and write my friends something interesting.  So, in order as an impetus to get me started on this project, here is my latest e-mail to a friend that I just sent today!  Like me, he speaks other languages, has traveled the world.  He works for the US government doing all kinds of interesting things and I thought it would be fun to send him a link to the Soviet National Anthem.  His response was a once sentence question and contained the mother of all bad words.  So here is my response.
It is the Soviet National Anthem. 
Now when people ask me if I’ve ever sent the Soviet National Anthem to a US government agent I can say, well yes, yes I have!  Cross that one off the bucket list; it required a lot of wine to be able to gather the courage! 
So how are things?  I saw on the FB that you were in town for one of your buddy’s wedding.  All your friends are eventually dropping off and soon only you and B will be left.  So how is the Korean chick from New York you’ve been putting off?  I’m still rooting for the Japanese girl, I’m telling you Japanese are the way to go!  Listen to your good pal Mateo on this. 
Life goes on here.  My 2nd son R was born about three months ago and my free time evaporated completely.  One child isn’t too difficult but now with two I rarely can even find the time to take a dump in peace.  K usually comes in to see what I’m up to and I really don’t need an audience. 
Well, keep in touch and I’d appreciate a reply that is more than one sentence.  And if it is one sentence I hope it would be more than five words and preferably without profanity. 
I imagine you’re still in DC, or maybe you got sent back since the whole Middle East went back to shit? 
Finally, since you didn’t appreciate the glorious Soviet National Anthem, perhaps you would prefer the latest cultural masterpiece from the US of A!   Here  you go, and I hope it brings a tear to your eye. 

About the video, I just discovered it a few days ago while on the elliptical.  I fought so hard to stifle the laughter that tears came out of my eyes.  During the second part of the video I had to turn it off because I was going to explode from trying to hold it in.  
It is so juvenile but at my age which is 37, I find that “high school humor” such as fart, jokes and such, is an art in itself and merits serious anthropological study.  
Having said that, I can see some middle aged bleached blond soccer mom yell “grow up!!!”  Well, having been lucky enough to have had a vast array of incredible international experiences in my life I can confidently say that the things middle aged, bleached blond soccer moms concern themselves with does not an adult make.  Desperate housewives anyone?  
Fart jokes are funny.  Farts are a natural human occurrence and one may be subject to unhealthful side effects from holding them in; read the scientific proof here, Facts on Farts.  They are funny because socially we are not supposed to let them go in public, yet the come unexpectedly and often with such force that we have no other option but to either let them go or exert a lot of pressure to try keeping them in which again, may be unhealthful.  So when we let one go in the presence of others, it is embarrassing for the person who let it go and thus instant LULZ are suddenly created in the Internet parlance.  Lulz = fun, laughter, or amusement, especially that derived at another’s expense. 
So in reference to the video above, a video that celebrates flatulence so overtly when the prudes and prigs of our society forbid it is, in fact, extremely funny.  Those that do not find it funny perhaps have been holding their farts in for much much too long.  To those poor souls I say…….

E-mail to Ryan 4.30.2004

Hello Mr. Energy/Utility company redeveloper!
I bet if you tell chicks that in the bar it will get you laid.  hahahah.  But seriously, it sounds like you are on your way!  Ryan is all grown up now and has a real job and everything.  That’s excellent, good work. 
Funny story about the Indian computer nerd and you in training.  But the question I keep asking myself is “Is she HOT?” and did you put the McSeveney charm on her or what?  BTW what do you have to do from day to day?  Research stuff?  Talk with people?  Is it scary?  I can’t even imagine what it must be like.  It is really cool that you’re doing it and in New York, the place where most people want to go! 
Feel free to call me anytime shit-faced.  I made myself a promise that I’m never buying a phone card again I have to stay away from the computer too, but it’s so tempting at the time. 
As for dip, I quit also about 3 months ago because I ran out of supplies.  It was pretty easy because if I get an urge, I’ll have to order it online and then wait about 2 weeks, which is enough of a hassle to not even order it.  Besides, I started to realize that I didn’t even like it anymore.  All it does is make me tired,, but I had been doing it for so long, that it felt strange doing routine stuff (like writing e-mail) without a dip in.  But I’m done with it because I started to seriously worry about my health.  After all I had done it for 10 years!  When I realized that, I got scared.
As for your friend and you putting stuff together for her to do… She can always stop by and do me if she’s bored.  ha hahahahaha. 
OK, here you go:
1. The temple we went to was at “Asakusa”
2. The restaurant is “Gyu-kaku.”
3. The place where we washed are hands is the Meiji Shire. 
4. The electronics market is next to Asakusa and is called “Akiharbara.” 
Other areas of interest:
1. Mt. Fuji – Our drunk asses never made it there.  It’s about an hour away from Tokyo.  Can be done in a day trip.
2. Kamakura – About an hour away from Tokyo – Big Buddah statue is there. 
She should definately go to Kyoto! 
But one week is pretty short, so she’ll have to choose carefully. 

E-mail to Brendan and Ryan 3.19.2004

—–Original Message—–
From: M
Sent: Thursday, March 04, 2004 9:34 PM
To: Brendan; Ryan
Subject: From Tokyo

You both wrote me at the same time and I thought my latest adventure would interest both of you.  I’ve stumbled upon paradise!  There is really no need to come back to Tokyo, because I’ve found the land of beautiful women.  It’s in Vietnam!  Let’s go there! 
I traveled there with Axel for 10 days and you are not going to believe what happened.  While we were drinking in a bar we met the business elite of the city!  Since the country opened up to business only about 10 years ago, most of the businessmen are all young, around 32.  One of them who became our best friend imports computer parts and assembles computers.  His driver drove us around much of the country in his BMW and we met many other important people including the son of the chaiman (like Mayor) of Saigon.  The women are just dying to meet foreigners and speak excellent English.  They are also much more friendly than the Japanese and always smile at you if you smile at them first. 
The prices are unreal there.  Get this.
We went to a massage place and went into the sauna, got a foot massage a dude (because they are stronger) then a full body massage from a beautiful young HOT girl who puts oil on you then walks on your back with bare feet.  She also massages you with her legs and at one point almost lays on top of you while pressuring the points on either side of your groin.  I almost blew it at that point.  Then we got a manicure and pedicure all for (get this) $32!  It was pure paradise.
We also went to a beautiful ocean side resort that was fabulous and costs only $15 a night.  You could see all the stars and relax by the pool or poolside bar.  The locals are more than happy to meet you and much more friendly than the Japanese. 
There are not many tourists there because it is still a poor country, yet the people are so friendly and I felt much safer there than I did in Mexico City or Tangier, Morrocco.  We also went to an excellent bar on top of an expensive hotel and there are just tons and tons of beautiful women.  You have to be careful though because many are “professionals” if you know what I mean.  I’ve never seen so many old ugly white businessmen with OUTSTANDING young HOT asian women.   It almost made me sick.  The wall of the bar open up to let the night air in and you can see the entire city while listening to the band sing popular tunes.  It was truly amazing. 
I am planning on moving there on August 1st and have started the job search.  It shouldn’t be too hard because business is booming there.  Plus with the contacts I’ve made it should be a breeze.  Our good friend is also planning to become a congressman there and I’m pretty sure he can do it.  He is one of the richest people in the entire city!  We only saw two expensive cars while there,, one belonging to him and the other his friend, the son of the Chairman of the city. 
I’ll have the website up soon with pictures but in the meantime, I put a zip file online with all my pictures.  We mostly used Axels camera and I’ll put those pictures up later.  If you wish to download the pictures, they are at xxxxxxxxxxx
Take care amigos, and let’s go to Nam! 
—– Original Message —–
From: Brendan
To: M
Sent: Monday, March 01, 2004 1:28 PM
Subject: From C-town


What has been going on with you lately?

Life over here has been going well.  Work is making me pull my hair out, but the I do see the light at the end of the tunnel (i.e. I only have another 6 weeks of working Saturdays and Sundays).  Did you hear from Ryan that he got a job at Accenture?  He started this past Monday.  I sure was happy for him. We should be able to get together more with him having an office downtown near my mine. 

I just finished watching Lost in Translation, with Bill Murray.  The film was shot in Tokyo with a few scenes of going down to Kyoto to visit some temples (wonder where they got that idea!)  Of course they show Shibuya, Ginza, the Tokyo Tower, the Rainbow Bridge and sorts of things I recognized.  Actually, in the bonus footage provided on the DVD I swear the one interview they had with the director was shot while walking down your street – you’ll have to confirm or disconfirm this for me.

Have you decided on what your plans are for after graduation from Wasada?  Are you still teaching Jiminy, Terry and Coke?  If yes, how have they been doing?

Take care and give my best to H,


E-mail to Ryan 1.22.2004

Hey Man!
Where is the love!  Did you get any of my previous e-mails?  Anyway, what’s going on there man?  It’s the same old shit here in Tokyo.  I gotta find a job sometime this year, and I really don’t want to do that.  I like living in fantasy land Japan.  Sometimes I wish you would move out here, and teach English and then we could chase easy, innocent, georgeous tail 5 days a week.  It’s so easy it’s criminal.  But unfortunately, that’s not the case,, you’re not here!!! .  Anywho, you still thinking of vacationing out here during the summer?  You know you’re always welcome, and that the last time was in the top 3 of the best times I’ve ever had.  Let me know what you’re up to dudeman.