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Journal Entry 3.1.20

I just had a few things on my mind that I wanted to get down.

My mind has changed. Thought patterns, emotions, feelings, my entire consciousness has changed over the past five years. I think it is an extraordinary thing to be able to recognize this. My mind is everything and like an OS it should just operate as programmed without remembering anything about the prior operating systems. Yes, it is easy to remember what the prior OS did and what the outcomes were as there is evidence of past actions but it is quite another to be able to remember being it and how it felt since it no longer exists.

My mind has changed biologically with different levels of chemicals being produced as well as conditioned with the experiences over the past five years and under assault from the environment we live in today. We’re now under assault from our electronic devices, from the news, and from the pressure that comes with new responsibilities. Twenty years ago I only need be concerned with myself. Then I added a wife and now two kids. It is no longer only myself I need be concerned with but three other beings as well. I now look at finances daily when I rarely looked at them before. I watch the stock market fluctuations on a daily basis. I have to attend to their needs and I have to really be concerned with what is happening in my professional career as it is our livelihood. I need to pay attention to the development of my kids and make sure they stay on the right path. I need pay attention to politics as the USA seems to have become a much more unkind place to immigrants. I need to pay attention to a lot of things and this is all very tiring. All of this has also contributed to my current mindset.

One thing that helps me remember the past is this very blog. I can look back and read my thoughts from decades ago. In doing so I can catch a glimmer of that previous mindset. I ask myself questions such as when was the last time I really felt good. When was the last time I felt a bit of euphoria just by looking out over the ocean, or seeing the blossoms of a flower. I would say that my mindset these days is much more even. I do not “feel” anything as strongly as I used to. The only time I really feel fantastic is after a workout. I wake up and still feel tired. Previously I would wake up and go hit the gym. These days I just want to stay in bed a few minutes more before I have to being anew all the daily activities my life requires.

I remember I used to be very motivated to interact on Facebook with old friends and classmates. That has passed and I no longer feel the drive to do so. I used to love hopping on my mountain bike and heading up into the mountains. I don’t feel like doing that much either. It is as though all my motivation and energy have been completely drained.

Perhaps this is also partly due to the responses I had expected but didn’t receive. When Facebook was new it was amazing that I could reach out to just about everyone I had ever known. I had expected lots of discussion, lots of catch-ups. The responses I got were disappointing. I started a class page and the response there was lethargic. There is so much technology now that allow us to do just about anything but it seems like there is less interaction than before.

For example I could now enter a room in virtual reality and hang out with people in cyberspace. Yet, nobody does this. Another example that pops out is that NASA has a “frequent flyer program” where you could have your name on a silicon chip sent to the planet Mars. I let the principle know about this but got the response that she probably couldn’t make it a class activity due to privacy laws.

I wrote the music teacher with some really great music that had inspired me. The response was tepid. All of this mediocre feedback has numbed by enthusiasm to reach out any more.

This also extends to politics. I used to do my research and be excited to go vote. Now, I’m getting bombarded with texts and calls for various candidates and it makes me put my phone on mute. I listen to the messages left about “special interests” in Sacramento and how candidate so and so is going to fight that. Well, I’ve voted faithfully ever since high school and not much has changed. This is the first year I don’t think I will vote at all.

So as you can see my mindset isn’t very good at the moment. I’m on autopilot, have no energy and not really feeling the joys I once felt of simply being alive. Perhaps it is all just chemical levels in the brain.

By 魔手

Global Citizen! こんにちは!僕の名前はマットです. Es decir soy Mateo. Aussi, je m'appelle Mathieu. Likes: Languages, Cultures, Computers, History, being Alive! \(^.^)/