Journal Entry – 2.22.2019

It is 5:15 AM on Friday February 22nd, 2019.  This morning is the first time I’ve woken up very early but also decided to get up in 2019.  Yes, I would still wake up early but just could not find the motivation or energy to actually get out of bed and would just fall asleep.  I’ve also been in poor heath for a good part of this year.  I’ve had colds that just don’t go away, or go away and come back again.  My mindset has been full of stress and work has been busy.  I’ve been lethargic and not really motivated to do much.

But today, I got up.  It wasn’t that I didn’t try to go back to sleep, I did.  But I just couldn’t sleep and so the thought of a peaceful morning and writing in my blog finally won out.  I hope that soon I’ll also have the motivation to start working out in the early morning again but I know myself and that goes in cycles.  I’m coming to the end of the unmotivated, down cycle and think today marks the shift to getting up early, being motivated, positive and getting things done.

The first item that came to me this morning was in reading NextDoor where someone had posted the lottery results of the local schools, or in other words which schools children had gotten into for the following school year.  We had put our card in over a month ago and I had quite forgotten about it.  But since my youngest is a sibling and siblings usually get into the same schools I wasn’t too concerned but since it is a very important thing had a bit of anxiety build.  I found our number then looked at the results and sure enough my kids will get to go to the same school.  Well, that is that.  Another very important life moment and it turned out well.

As I’ve grown older I realize that in many cases, not getting what you want is actually a blessing in disguise.  When we did the lottery for my oldest we didn’t get our first choice of schools.  We would have preferred Cabrillo since it is right down the street from us.  We’re still on the wait-list and have been in the second spot for a year and a half.  Well, Cabrillo has slipped in the rankings and our current school has a higher ranking.  We decided a while back to stay with our current school since my son has made friends there, there are more Japanese, and all in just seems to be a better school now.

It is kind of upsetting to see parents in Cabrillo switch to other schools after only a few years.  Why didn’t they just start with the school they are switching to in the first place?  That would have opened up spots for people who would have stuck with the school from K-8.  Again, the child in me is very disappointed as I realize how disorganized and a complete mess a lot of parents are.  Parents are supposed to have everything together and now that I’m 41 can easily see that many parents are a disaster.

But going back to not getting what you want, another good example that is now glaring to me is not getting a few of the girls I had wanted in high school and college.  Boy did I dodge a few bullets there now that I see how they have turned out.  If I had gotten a few of them I would still be in Ohio with a loud, fat, old looking woman who just isn’t very pleasant to be around.  Sounds terrible to say doesn’t it?  I don’t like to be negative but this is the ugly truth.  Thank God I was rejected a couple of times, they certainly did me a favor!

But enough of that, time to talk about other things.

It is February, the weather is cold and we’re getting a lot more rain than we’re used to.  I saw the robins have made an appearance which they often do this time of year but I’ve noticed their number is a lot less.  Perhaps it is because my neighbors cut down those bushy trees that produced red berries.  Without those berries then robins only come to my yard for the bird bath.  I do have the bird feeder up but I never see them eating from it.  I enjoy seeing the robins come by as they remind me of home and are a marker in the passing of time.

Robins are plentiful in Ohio and they always sing so loudly in the early mornings.  I worked doing maintenance on a golf course when I was in high school and so would walk to work around 4 AM.  In that darkness on a cool summer morning in Ohio it often felt as though only me and the robins were the only ones awake. My ears would be filled with their songs from the moment I stepped out my door, past the subdivision neighborhood with only four or five styles of houses, and in seemingly every tree of the golf course as I walked along dew drenched grass on my way to the maintenance barn.  Their songs only ceases when I fired up the riding mower and headed out onto the course.

While I’m on memories of my youth, another memory popped into my head the other day.  Recently I’m so very busy with work, karate, kids, activities, parties, adult things and so on and so on that it has been ages where I can just so completely relax that every care and worry leaves my body.  My mindset is always in a state of medium alert and there is always another task that needs to be done.  Perhaps this is why I’ve been so sick in early 2019?

But that memory was one of complete comfort and serenity.  It was when I had the house to myself for some reason, built a fire in the fire place downstairs, threw a bunch of blankets on the floor and ordered and ate an entire Dominoes pizza.  Thinking about it reminds me of what a calm and happy mindset without a care in the world feels like.  I haven’t had that feeling in ages and it is that feeling I’m trying to get back by waking up early.

Our society is so geared towards continually being active, always doing something, always wanting more, never being satisfied.  And with mobile phones it makes things worse in that we train ourselves to always be looking at that damned thing.  I do believe all this activity, this constant focus on doing something, of looking at our phones and so on are making us quite mentally ill.  So when I remembered what being relaxed, without any tension or anxiety what-so-ever was like, it had a profound effect on me and I had to write about it here.  It was a time of complete bliss when I didn’t think about things like:

  1.  Political situation is a mess and people I actually know support the most ridiculous President in history
  2. The priests are molesting young boys and although it makes the news adults continue to go and give their kids to priests to be molested.  Many adults are very disappointing; I thought they were supposed to be smarter than they actually are.
  3. The world is being poisoned and people are too dumb/greedy to care.
  4. Money worries will never go away.  There is always one more thing that costs money and needs to be paid for.

And so on and so on.

OK, time to change the subject again.

I’ve learned that my memory is exceptional.  This has occurred to me in the realization that I remember the past very very well in comparison with my peers.  Most have forgotten the old friendships and how things used to be.  I can pick up right where I left off with anyone even after 20 years!  But they cannot, they have forgotten.  I reach out to a few of them and I get no response.  Last I remember we were good friends and I even bring up some great memories.  But even if I do get a response which I usually do not, they have no memories except for maybe one or two big ones.  Why is it that I remember pretty much everything and seemingly everyone else does not?

Well, the time is 6:02 AM and the day will start soon.  I’d like a bit more time to just relax before all the tasks begin.

Before I go, I’ve started to practice mindfulness again.  I’m meditating, listening to meditation podcasts and this has really helped in calming my mind which is, as I mentioned earlier, always on a level 2 alert and can never relax.

Categorized as Journal

By 魔手

Global Citizen! こんにちは!僕の名前はマットです. Es decir soy Mateo. Aussi, je m'appelle Mathieu. Likes: Languages, Cultures, Computers, History, being Alive! \(^.^)/