It has been a long while since I wrote an LTMD. This is an article for my descendants to read when they are in high school decades from now.
I read an article yesterday on CNN called “The changing reasons why women cheat on their husbands” (Link) and thought I’d offer some advice.
I never had a girlfriend growing up and wasn’t successful in that department until junior/senior year of high school. After that I had no problems and wanted to give you some very good advice which I learned not only then but also through the past 20 years of, first dating, and then a successful marriage.
The first and foremost point is that if you are confident in yourself the girls just come out of the woodwork. Girls like confidence not only when dating but in any successful relationship. You must get to the point where you’re very proud of yourself and to the point where you could be very happy on your own. You can accomplish this by learning to do one or two things very well. For me, it was language learning and wrestling. I was very good with language and decent in wrestling.
Wrestling in high school gave me a lot of confidence and it is no coincidence that I started to attract girls once I started to get good at the sport. Then in college it was language and continuing to work out. I was strong and combined with language many people thought I was smart. The truth is I wasn’t the top of my class in Spanish and was even going to fail a difficult grammar class. But I found a way to learn it and that was by going to Spain. I liked language very much and there was a time I didn’t think I would be successful. Yet, I found another way to make it happen and a way that was very much enjoyable.
After Spanish came French and then Japanese and the ability to speak these languages gives me a lot of confidence and impresses others. For me, it has been so long since I learned them that I do not think it is something special and has just become part of daily life.
Wrestling was a long time ago and has been replaced by karate. In addition to impressing others it gives me a very nice confidence boost especially when I won those matches in the fighting tournament.
Now back to the article. I can only speak for myself here since everyone follows different paths and have different life experiences. So the women in this article aren’t necessarily ‘wrong’ in what they say as they have their own path to walk and own life to figure out. But my opinion and mine alone given my experiences is the following.
I read this article and see it as a reflection of the “me first” society. Everyone is always thinking about themselves. I have my experience in Japan to thank for a completely different mindset: it is a mindset which does not put the self first but those around you and in keeping harmony. Thinking this way makes the “I” go away and my family come first. The focus on others is even built into the Japanese language and creates a very peaceful harmony when done the right way. And so when I read these women always talking about themselves and the focus on ‘their’ happiness they appear to me as selfish and whiny. Now I have known many women in the USA culture who are excellent but unfortunately this society focuses on the ‘me first’ idea. That is how what they were taught, has created how they think and thus drives their decisions. I’m sure many of their husbands are like a ‘second child’ and they always have to ‘pick up after them.’
And so, one of the secrets to having a good marriage is to create your own confidence, do not rely on a girlfriend/boyfriend or partner to create happiness for you, be awesome by yourself. Go do incredible things like climb Mt. Fuji, go exploring in Europe, learn languages, or create a lifelong journal where you express your most intimate thoughts. Get exercise and create a fantastic body. Make it so that you could be extremely happy just by yourself without another person and then you know what happens? People want to attach themselves to you, to be with you, to experience the same joy and zest for life that you experience.
Now this is not always easy. There will be times when your down, when your sad, when life beats you up. Fortunately there is a quick fix and that is exercise. You’ll not only get the immediate boost of endorphins flooding your brain but over time your body will change. Seeing how you are getting stronger builds upon itself and confidence increases. You’ll need endurance to keep up with the exercise as well as mental tasks like learning things. If you don’t like a subject then find something you do like: play the guitar, go fishing, learn about history. Just keep learning, keep reading and before you know it you’ll have surpassed many people in general knowledge. The world and universe is an outstanding, incredible, mysterious place but you only will really understand this through reading and learning. The more you learn the more you realize how little you actually know and learning becomes exciting.
Through all of these things you become an awesome person and have no need for a girlfriend as their is an entire world to explore and is open to you. Do it while you’re young though because responsibilities increase and you cannot as easily just take off and go do something new. Even with a family and kids however you can still go on adventures and explore. For example I’ve never been a camper but there is so much nature out there and it would be an incredible experience the entire family can enjoy (provided the weather is nice mind you).
Should you decide to get married my advice is to find a person who is good at heart, who also enjoys adventures and is confident in themselves. At 40 years old I have so many beautiful acquaintances who have absolutely zero self confidence. This is easy to see because they post thousands of pictures of themselves in the search for approval in the form of ‘likes’ on the social networks. Another day, another selfie. Make no mistake, this is not confidence, this is lack of it. Others will find a boyfriend for a while and post many pictures of themselves kissing said boyfriend, doing things with said boyfriend. This is also not confidence: it is the girl crying out, look at me! I have a boyfriend, and since I don’t have confidence I need to try and create it artificially by posting thousands of pictures. Don’t look down on these girls though, they are going through their own life experience and trying to live a happy life like everyone else. Sometimes however, they make bad decisions or have a mindset that is generally disagreeable and thus find themselves still single at 40 years old. This is too bad but again, we all have our own paths to walk and each our own challenges to face.
Don’t go for the pretty girls unless they have an excellent personality as well. Beauty fades quickly but a great personality endures.
Now, if you’re in high school reading this there is no doubt that you’ll probably be attracted to pretty girls but remember this. There is an entire world full of pretty girls and the same rules about what is attractive is not the same in other countries. In high school you’re in a very tiny cocoon and upon senior year everyone thinks they have the world figured out; they have no idea. In the USA many pretty girls lack other skills because they rely on their looks to carry them through. I’ve found that this does not often change even as they get older. However, I’ve found that beauty is not given the very high pedestal in some other countries that it does in the USA. You can still find a pretty girl who does have other fantastic qualities overseas. Most people in the USA aren’t going to like to hear this but it is the hard truth. There are beautiful and fantastic girls in other countries that will not be whiny pains-in-the-butt. Again, do not look down on the pretty girls that are unbearable, but put yourself in their position. It can be said that their looks are a disadvantage because guys are always bothering them, contributing to their lack of self-esteem and causing them to think the way they do. So perhaps they might be defensive, or act ‘bitchy’ as a self defense mechanism. But unfortunately and like everything, it is good to start off with something that doesn’t need a lot of repair work as it causes a lot of frustration and still might not improve.
Well, I better wrap this up. Remember the main point of this post: be an awesome person, be kind to others, get exercise and find a way to be very confident in yourself to the point where you don’t need a girlfriend/boyfriend to contribute to your self worth. Then you’ll have your pick in terms of a relationship.