Journal Entry – 9.21.2016

It is 5:57 AM.  I still have not gone to the gym and I slept later than usual due to training all day yesterday.  Today is the second day of Challenger training.  I have to say that yesterday went fairly quick and I hope today does as well.

I have to hand it to Grainger because their training was top notch indeed and I already knew this type of selling style even though they call some aspects differently.  The “Vally of Despair” in Challenger is “Pain Chain” at Grainger for example.  I usually do not like corporate trainings very much but this style is pretty useful and I’m glad to be taking it as it will help me in my career.  It is a good thing to put on the resume.

During morning mediation a thought that passed through my mind is how my mind overall changes.  I do not think the same way I did just a few years ago and I’ll think differently a few years from now.  So how do I think now?  Well, although my job isn’t very difficult there is a constant level of pressure to perform and not lose any accounts.  The problems also never stop coming although it is only a few tough ones a week.  I work from home and at times it can be very difficult to focus if the young one is making a lot of noise.  I imagine working from home will be infinitely easier when both kids are in school full time.  Trying to work at home with a young kid is extremely difficult and causes a lot of stress.

This stress governs my mindset for the most part and thus causes a lot of anxiety.  The good news is I can override it with a little mental focus but I’ll be glad when the situation changes and the kids are in school full time.  However, I’ll then miss when they were little kids!  But I wanted to write down how stressful this is just so I can read this post in a few years and remember.  I do not like working from home when little ones make a lot of noise!

Secondly, young kids require constant attention and this is tiring.  Yes, unlike many adults, I actually do enjoy playing with my kids.  I find I’m the only adult on the swings, running through the play fort screaming with them and just being a part of their world.  Most adults just stand around, or sit and look at their phones.  However, I’d also like a bit more freedom to do my own things like read a book, go mountain biking, take a nap, whatever.  I don’t have this freedom during the day, in fact the only time I have complete individual freedom is here in the early morning when everyone else is still sleeping.  I do miss the day when I could just take off on my mountain bike and not return for a few hours.  One cannot do this with two kids because that means time away from them and there is guilt associated with that.

It feels good to write this down and really pinpoint a few causes of what causes my current mindset (stress from work and my kids!).  🙂  Although I look forward to the day when I can actually do the stuff I’d like to do on a regular basis, when my kids are older and I don’t need to be constantly around, I’ll miss the little versions of them severely.

I absolutely love playing with them at this age and two year olds are hilarious.  It would be nice if a compromise could be reached:  I’d like two completely free days (alone) a week and I’d be completely satisfied.  But the main thing stopping me from doing this is myself.  My own mind would be telling me how selfish I am and how this time when they are young is quickly slipping away.

And so here I am and these are my thoughts.  My compromise is to awake early, every single day.  I have not been going to the gym recently though and I’ll need to correct this.

There is some debate on which age is most difficult in a lifetime.  For me, I would say it is around 40 which is now.  Young kids require constant interaction and this is absolutely exhausting.  This is also an important time in regards to careers.  If one hasn’t gotten a good job by now then most likely they never will.  Luckily I have had great jobs but nowadays it is highly unusual to stay in one position or with one company for more than a few years.  This uncertainty and the stress of changing jobs is substantial.  It is highly likely that I’ll have more than a few more jobs in my career and the fact that I have a lot of financial responsibilities adds stress.  I’m the only breadwinner and would let a lot of people down if I started to fail.

As I write that last sentence and think about it I’m a pretty confident person so the fear of failure isn’t something that bothers me too much.  However, there are days when fear can grip you and my own mind takes me to a dark and scary place.  Luckily, it usually doesn’t last too long and just a bit of exercise pulls my spirits right up again.

When you’re young you think you’re going to rule the world and it is exciting.  At middle age you realize you’re not going to rule the world and that the decisions you’ve made thus far are responsible for your current situation.  You realize that you’re pretty stuck and prospects do not look great.  Luckily for me, the decisions I made were great and I’m happy with my current situation!  🙂

It is now 6:37 AM and that means the household is about to awake.  Time to start the day.

By 魔手

Global Citizen! こんにちは!僕の名前はマットです. Es decir soy Mateo. Aussi, je m'appelle Mathieu. Likes: Languages, Cultures, Computers, History, being Alive! \(^.^)/