Journal Entry – Thursday, 2.4.2016

It is 6:02 AM and I’m listening to a very sad, haunting piece that evokes a strong feeling of mystery and loneliness – as though something has been forgotten, left behind and abandoned as time marches on.  The sound of the strings call out from a dark place in the past asking to be remembered or perhaps it is making sounds for its own comfort in remembrance of its own past and what it has lost.

I wish I could say the source of this music is from somewhere/someone profound but it is from Pirates of the Caribbean – At World’s End, and is Davy Jones Music box.  I found a fabulous version on YouTube where it is mixed with rain which really accentuates the feelings I’ve described above.  Here is the link for YouTube:  Davy Jones Music Box with Rain

20160118_060236

This music is appropriate as I’m sad to say one of my oldest fish has died and now resides in the fish graveyard out in the garden.  It was a simple goldfish which quadrupled in size and turned completely white since I got him five years ago.  I may have inadvertently killed him while trying to heal a parasitic infection plaguing the other goldfish.  In fact, I’ll tell the story.

It could be tumors but I imagine it has more to do with ich.  I have another tank out in the garage so moved him there for treatment but the two fish there kept biting his fins which put him near death.  So, I moved him back to the main tank and put in the ich treatment.  About a week after that however the white goldfish started to look like he was gasping to breath and resting on the bottom or on plants as he did in the picture above.  After a week of gasping he finally died and I still have the white lumps on the other goldfish.

At 38 years of age I now have much more respect and appreciation for all living things than I did previously.  I’d like to say this is a higher form of consciousness about the universe around me but who knows really.  I even ask my son to release the bugs he has caught after a few days so they do not die and can go about their business.

Returning to the fish tank, I don’t think I can help the other goldfish.  I wonder if it is more humane to let it live out its days (it is acting fine) or flush it?  My current thought is to help if I can but let it be in peace in the tank.  Or perhaps I could transfer it to a large bowl?

In any case, I’ll be making a major change to the tank soon.  I’ll use sand for the substrate and try my hand at using real plants.  Also, no more goldfish as I’ve learned they give off an incredible amount of waste which makes keeping the proper PH impossible and thus kills the other fish.  I’ll go with smaller more colorful fish and hopefully create a happy, beautiful tank.  It makes me a little sad to look back on the tank five years ago and that only two of the fish now survive.  The pleco will live forever and the goldfish really had a good run.  The others died off due to not being able to keep a proper PH.

In other news I had a dream last night that I joined the theater club in my high school.  It was opening night and I was given a very large script backstage of my lines – none of which I had memorized.  Needless to say this caused a massive amount of anxiety as I tried not only to learn my lines but also pay attention to the master script so I would know when it was my turn on stage.  I kept waking up then falling back asleep to this same dream.

This is most likely a reflection of work and the anxiety a few accounts of mine are causing at the moment.  I think it is a very positive thing that I’ve started a workout routine again which is the perfect antidote to any and all stress.  Now that I’m awake I’m not too stressed out but due to the dream I imagine my subconscious feels otherwise.

It is now 6:27 AM and I continue listening to Davy Jones Music box with the rain.  There is so much I would like to write but do not currently have the time.  In the future I’d really like to put down in depth my memories and life experiences.  I’d like to further understand myself and feel that writing is a great way to do it.  I’d also like to write more about this great mystery of life itself, the passage of time and so on.  To me, this is much more worthwhile than wasting time on Facebook or Reddit, mindlessly watching TV shows or other men throw around a football (Super Bowl 50 here in San Francisco this week.)  The way the culture has gone, I’d very much like to extricate myself from it and create my own little world.  We all live in our own little worlds with some spending more time in the massive commons room of popular culture than others.  For me, I plan to close the door to my own little room with only minor peeks into what is going on in the commons.  I’ve already said goodbye to Facebook and I’m limiting my intake of news which has now become more entertainment than actual news.  It is time to be more introspective and shut out all the noise.

Author: 魔手

Global Citizen! こんにちは!僕の名前はマットです. Es decir soy Mateo. Aussi, je m'appelle Mathieu. Likes: Languages, Cultures, Computers, History, being Alive! \(^.^)/