It is 5:30 AM on Tuesday. Warcraft is down for maintenance and it is been a while since I wrote a journal entry so this is how I’ll spend the next half hour of precious “me” time before the household awakes.
I haven’t been to the gym, gone on a hike or mountain biking in a while. With two kids free time really comes at a premium and taking time away from them can make one feel guilty. I really should go at this time – which I plan to start doing – but I don’t want my oldest to awake early and wake up everyone else. Sooner or later however, I’m going to need to set up a morning gym schedule and “just do it” as they say.
Christmas quickly approaches but I find that I still don’t feel as though I’m in the right mood for it; that is to say I haven’t gotten into the Christmas spirit. It could be due to the fact that I simply haven’t tried or that we do not really have cold weather and snow here in California. Work has also been a bit busier than usual so perhaps once companies start shutting down the Christmas mood will creep up on me. I’ve pretty much finished all my shopping and thanks to Amazon.com didn’t have to visit a crowded, insane mall even once.
I remember the euphoria Christmastime would put me in when I was a kid and I miss that. There was a certain magic to it and it is this magic I’m desperate to recover. It does come back to an extent with children and to see their excitement on Christmas day as they open their gifts is wonderful. Perhaps adult life takes its toll and is the enemy of the carefree joy one experiences as a kid. Now, there is the constant worry about work since there is no security in a job anymore with companies getting bought and sold, management and investors always wanting to see profits go higher and the unending cost-cutting. We have to pay bills, try not to get ripped off by sellers and services also chasing every higher profits – often by any means necessary – and for me, always being concerned about making the next sale while not losing any existing customers.
Perhaps I simply must forget, at least for a while, all of these pressures which normally don’t bother me but do appear to to steal some of my Christmas joy. For I know that there really is only a few days of absolute rest when I might not receive even one e-mail until I have to jump back into the fray and worry about numbers again.
There is also the fact that Christmas in our culture has become a time to consume, to spend vast amounts of money in order to accumulate more. I find myself nostalgic for Christmases past when it seemed that life and our culture as a whole was more simple. The focus was not on accumulating more presents but taking time to meet with friends and family. Now, it seems everyone is busy; they are out accumulating more presents, going to spend the holiday at a vacation destination and I find it very difficult to find anyone to meet up with.
Maybe all it requires is a bit of effort – I just have to change my mindset and try to make that magic reappear. I’ll work on that this week and try to remind myself to enjoy this time and really appreciate it.