Un autre jour sans la famille. I had thought I would very much enjoy this time alone but the expected euphoria has yet to arrive. I feel nothing – except that I very much miss my family.
Having two small children is like running a marathon. There are moments when the endorphins kick in – these are the special moments. But most of the time it is just running, here and there without a moments rest. Now that I have a break I only want to start running again: I want them to return.
I see them through Skype but that is like everything else on the internet. There is no special connection, just faces and words. I cannot hug them or play with them. All I can do is speak and frankly they are much too young to pay much attention to me. Even a beautiful evening such as this seems remote, my mind remains dull and devoid of feeling.
It is good to have a break for it reminds me of that which is most important in my life and that is my family. All work, sunsets, things I thought I would enjoy lose all flavor and become as bland as a dry piece of toast. It is a futile endeavor to try and return to the mindset I had when they were here and I was looking forward to this time alone. That mindset was false, an illusion that turned to sand once I went to take a drink.
And there are nineteen days more to endure.