Journal Entry – 5.11.2000

Here I am all stressed out again. I’m such a slob.  It’s not that I don’t have the time to study.  I just don’t.  I come home from class and play on the computer for a bit before I take a nap on the couch.  When I get up I usually watch TV a bit and then go back to the computer if I don’t have any upcoming exams.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I’m a slob.  I never have any energy during the afternoon and haven’t been running or working out like I should.  Here is the problem.  When I don’t have to study, I don’t have other things to keep me occupied.  When I do have tests coming up instead of diving right into the studying I think about them and get stressed over them.  I need better time management. It’s hard for me to plan study time though because I need to be motivated to study or I won’t do it.  That is probably the biggest factor is that motivation to study comes rarely, and I always feel like playing on the computer.  I’m such a loser.  I’ve fallen into a rut that I must get out of. 

My opportunity will come when I go to France.  I need a change.  I’ve been here almost 2 years and that is too long to go without a change in my life.  I can’t wait to go to France.  Now that I think about it, it’s amazing that I’ve been in this apartment for two whole years.  My life is flying by and when I wake up tomorrow I’ll be 40.  I haven’t really stopped in a while and enjoyed where I am in life right now. There are always too many distractions, people who have it better then me, things to do.. that I just get lost.  I rarely stop to think how good I have it.  I guess when you have it good that you just get used to it and it becomes the norm. 

This also creates complexes because I keep seeing how other people are better looking or stronger than I am and I want what they have.  Nothing is ever good enough.  I guess this proves that money cannot buy happiness.  I’m happy most of the time however.  I only have to make it a few more months and then I can start over again, in France only to come back fresh and ready to start new again since I’ll be a different person.  Six months after that, I graduate and will leave again to start all over again.  I am lucky. 

However, I feel like I’m going crazy because at this very moment I feel like I cannot write as well as I used to on my laptop.  I feel like my thoughts aren’t coming out clearly.  Actually they are not very clear in my head.  Maybe because I’ve had a few beers.  The point is, though, that I haven’t really felt the emotion like I used to when I used to write in my laptop.  I just feel like of Blah. 

Am I communicating my point, do I make sense, am I going crazy?  I wish I could do college all over again.  I can’t believe it’s over for most of my friends and has been for a long time.  I’m still going and it’s all most over for me.  ITts really sad!!!  College was such a great time and I wonder if I’m the only one that realizes it right now!!  I know in a few years my friends will look back and miss it terribly but I’m still in COLLEGE and I already miss it terribly!!!!  I guess it’s because my college career has been so crazy.  One year in the dorms, another part in the frat, one part at home and another in SPAIN.  Now two years at the apartment doing nothing,, not really making any important memories.. Just sort of being….  I’ll look back and my senior year and fifth year will be the most boring and stupid. 

The question is ,, who am I?  Where am I going?  Who are my friends?  Am I crazy?  I’m pretty sure who I am, but not completely.  I need to rid myself of negative influences and focus on the positive.  I need to become cultured without becoming snobby nor losing my roots.  Where I am going, I have no idea..  The future is one wide open space and hopefully things fall into place..  My friends are Ross, Ron, and others but they are the ones I’m most likely to keep in contact with.  Am I crazy?  I’m not sure, it changes from day to day.  Some days I’m really happy,, some days I’m a pill to be around..  some days, I’m mister crazy.  I really think it has to do with being alone all the time. I think to damn much which makes me crazy.  Life is a hard enough without all these dramas in my head.  

—–Note from 2014——
You’re almost 40 kid, just a short three more years.  Time goes fast, savor the moment! 

Author: 魔手

Global Citizen! こんにちは!僕の名前はマットです. Es decir soy Mateo. Aussi, je m'appelle Mathieu. Likes: Languages, Cultures, Computers, History, being Alive! \(^.^)/