It seems not a day goes by without some mention of protests and the Olympic torch. I for one didn't pay much attention until today when I read the Sunday edition of the San Francisco Chronicle 4-6-2008. The articles "2 views of Beijing as Olympics approach," contained "Tibetan Americans: Bay Area exiles fight to keep culture alive" and "Chinese Americans: Most proud of Olympics, hurt by protests."

At first, I was intrigued and thought I might gain some insight into the differing views concerning the Olympic torch. However, both articles quickly came to disappoint with naive quotes and wishy washy bleeding-heart exile stories.

Let's start with the article "Tibetan Americans." It begins with Tibetan Americans flocking to San Francisco to participate in the "Tibetan Freedom Torch" and to protest the Olympic torch relay which will happen this Wednesday. Then it describes the protests over in Berkeley (those people are always protesting something) and I start to get annoyed with this article. I think to myself "Gee, another protest in Berkeley, big surprise." After this I come to the kicker which is typical Berkeley. The journalist decides to use a quote from a homeless man who asks "How can you take a piece of land that belongs to someone else?"

It is at this moment that I contemplate changing my political affiliation from liberal to conservative. I can bear all the whiny whiny coming out of Berkeley and I can even try to understand why the newspaper chose a quote from a homeless man out of all the other possible sources. But what I cannot abide is the sheer stupidity of the quote "How can you take a piece of land that belongs to someone else?" From this point on, I am trying to choose my words carefully but in whichever direction I take this I'm definitely going to be in trouble with the liberals.

I believe the journalist chose a homeless man because in the psyche of Berkeley, homeless people are very likely to be genius ex-professors who either snapped, or chose to live outside the confines of a normal life. I believe homeless people deserve compassion and help but the city elevates them entirely too much. It's not that a homeless person said this that bothers me but instead the extreme naivety of world affairs and a newspaper such as the San Francisco Chronicle should know better.

In case it doesn't, if they would like to know "How can you take a piece of land that belongs to someone else," it might do some good to go ask the Native Americans that same question. If that doesn't suffice, you could then ask Mexico which Berkeley happened to be a part of not long ago, or should we go back to the Spanish crown? In any case, the exact spot where the homeless man asked that question had probably been taken quite a few times as one Native American tribe conquered another, then Spain, then Mexico, then the Americans. All of them took the land from someone and therefore to answer his question, "Well, it's quite easy!"

If the Chronicle is still not convinced then perhaps we could ask the British, French, Spanish, Russians, or any other conquering people on this infinite list. In the end, I do not blame the homeless guy at all but the Chronicle for including such an asinine quote.

The article then goes on to give a brief history of the relocation of Tibetans that took place here in the Bay Area and includes such heart wrenching phrases as "She said her parents once had horses and yaks, but left Tibet with nothing." Then there is the heartwarming story of Tulku who listened to the song "San Francisco" on his radio in India. Now I am a liberal and I wish the best for the people of Tibet, but such sappy journalism ruins my day.

Now we will go to the article Chinese Americans. The first thing that struck out at me was that Chinese Americans are "hurt by protests." At first, it made me smile as I recalled my experience in a Shanghai market where everyone was yelling at me. I had thought the Chinese people were tough as nails then. But then I realized this was San Francisco and people are very emotional here. I also thought of my wonderful Chinese friends in China and how the Olympics must be such a point of pride for them and I began to smile as I imagined their enthusiasm.

Unfortunately, this good feeling quickly dissipated as I got four paragraphs into the article with this quote "We understand your rights of free speech, by all means, but be a gracious host, be sensitive to the fact that in San Francisco one-third of your inhabitants are Asians." said attorney Edward Liu. "Many of us, Chinese Americans, in the city, we may not be supporting the Chinese government, but to politicize this game and to use this torch relay as a platform to bash China to me is unacceptable."

Just who exactly is he talking to? This quote is so full of nonsense I can hardly figure out where to begin! After a couple minutes of thought, I'll start with the fact that most of the anti-Chinese protests have been full of Asians! Last month it was the Falun Gong, and about two weeks ago it was a Tibetan protest parade which ruined my nap. This weekend it was mostly Asian faces on Union Square! So why do I get the feeling that in his quote he is referring to white people? Outside of California I don't think most people even know nor care where Tibet is!

Second of all, he has just thrown the entire Asian population onto his Chinese Olympics cause. In Asia, there are very many countries that are not China and I do not think it is appropriate to lump them all together. I think the Japanese and Vietnamese might have some serious issues with that.

Third he says "we understand your rights of free speech," and from his use of "we" he has separated his Chinese-American group from other Americans. America is wonderful in it's diversity but apparently he wants his group to be different. And being America that is just fine and I'm glad his group understands we have free speech here. Unfortunately San Francisco City Hall does not and had planned to set up "Free Speech Zones" for protesters during the Olympic torch run. Last time I checked all of America was a Free Speech Zone but I'm glad Mr. Liu and City hall agree to allow me my rights guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States.

Further, when have the Olympics not been political? There have always been politics involved as far as I can remember. If it is not political, then why was China so eager to host them? It certainly can't be because of the clean air! China wants the Olympics for the international respect it affords and they were awarded the games partly in hopes it would clean up its human rights record, both which happen to be political reasons. The trite argument that the Olympics are just games with athletes showcasing their skills with no political aspect at all is simply laughable. Did we forget Hitler, the Cold War, Cuban athletes, etc so quickly? I remember when the USA team simply had to destroy the Soviet team,,, but as Mr. Liu would have us believe, that too was simply some guys in shorts chasing each other around a track.

The fact of the matter is he is an attorney and should know better. I wonder if I'll get sued for using my right to free speech?

The article goes on to say "It is really an insult to the people of China and Chinese Americans. None of them (Mayor Newsom) even thought about consulting the Chinese community," said Ling Chi Wang, professor emeritus of ethnic studies at UC Berkeley.

Well, we're back in Berkeley again and another shocker, some professor is angry. What I want to know is why the city is so scared of running the torch through China town. I've got a solution for City hall and Ms. Wang. Go ahead and take the torch unguarded through Chinatown and let's see exactly what your Chinese Americans do with it.

In case the irony is lost, the reason City Hall doesn't want it to go through Chinatown is precisely because of Chinese American protesters!!!!!!! But being Berkeley you can take a problem, twist it entirely around and blame it on everyone else. The Tibetans aside the Falun Gong will probably be ready with water hoses at every corner.

She goes on to say the contrast between how the torch is received in San Francisco and other countries will "embarrass not just the disrupters (sic) but sully the image of San Francisco - and America."

After that quote I was highly irked. Ms.Wang has most likely lived in California all of her life and believes this state is representative of the rest of America. I however have a news flash for Ms. Wang. The rest of America is not like California and most Americans do not care if China were to change it's name to Tibet, Tibet to China or if the Dalai Lama becomes king of Shanghai! Therefore, please do not say that the image of America will be sullied because the majority of protesters will be Chinese-Americans and hippies and the majority of America is not Chinese American nor hippies.

The only redeeming portion of this article comes from Tong Defa, spokesman for the Chinese Consulate in San Francisco who said "It's always a one-sided story. The Chinese government has spent a lot of money restoring the temples; many Tibetan schools have bilingual education."

In this he is exactly correct. It is always a one sided story and the media does not portray the good things China has done for Tibet. From the Chinese point of view, Tibet was an uncivilized, backward and superstitious country and China is trying to bring it into the 21 century from the 14th in which it's people had been living. Sounds exactly like the same logic the French used in Vietnam, or the British all over the globe. True or not? Guess it depends on weather you ask the colonizer or colonizee (sic).

However, Mr. Defa is correct in more ways than he intended. It is a one-sided story here but it is even more of a one-sided story in China. Go to China and the people there know nothing of the unrest concerning the torch and Tibet. Therefore we have two "one-sided" views and if we just put them together we could get a whole picture!!! LOL. Also, having lived in a communist country myself, when he says "Tibetan schools have bilingual education" this means that China is trying to integrate Tibetans into the majority Han culture "Sinification" and thus dilute their cultural identity. Sounds much better when he said bilingual education however. Kind of like those in labor camps are getting "technical, on the job training."

So in the end, where do I stand on this Olympic Torch issue? Well, I guess I'm right in the middle. I am happy for the Chinese people and I do hope they win a lot of gold medals. I can imagine my friends cheering wildly for their country and feeling a wonderful sense of pride. I actually was in France during the 2000 Olympics and watched the USA basketball team pound the Chinese team with one of my Chinese friends who was none too enthused. I'm sure the Chinese basketball team will do much better this year with Yao Ming. (does he get to play?)

On the other had, the Olympics is the perfect time to protest as the international spotlight is shining bright. It's impossible to separate the Olympics from politics so why not embrace the political aspect head on?

Finally, the Olympic torch is coming through town this Wednesday and I'll be sure to stay as far away as I possibly can.

Since September 11th and the wars in Afganistan and Iraq there has been an enormous surge of interest in the Muslim world from America. The ordinary American knowing nothing of this ancient culture will pick up bits and pieces from various sources including academic books, hateful right wing talk radio, American soldiers experiences or extreme propaganda dispensed by the Bush administration. These tidbits of information start to form an overall image of Islam of which a minority stress the majority moderate side of Islam, yet this is drowned out by the extremist fringe which is more reported on by the media as it generates sales.

As I have often written about in my prior posts, it is impossible to try to understand something as complicated as a thousand year old culture by reading a book written by a Westerner. It would not be unlike a Japanese person learning about cowboys from a book written by a Sumo wrestler who once rode a horse in Arizona. Something as complex and profound as an entirely different culture can only be understood when one has lived in it for quite a few years, speaks the language and participates in daily society.

Even if a very descriptive book was put out by the best scholar from within Islamic society carefully explained the culture in a way that Westerners could understand, it would still only offer a tiny glimpse like a frog experiencing the sky from the bottom of a narrow well.

I myself know very little about this enormous culture but I did have the good fortune to get my first taste while living in Spain in the historical city of Toledo. For those who do not know this ancient city, it was first established by the Romans and was the capital of various kingdoms. The Muslims took control of it in 711AD and made a great stride in humanity by being one of the first religious conquerors who did not persecute differing faiths. Instead, Toledo is well known for being one of the only places in the world where Jews, Muslims and Christians were actually able to live peacefully together. The Muslims still had control over the other two and Jews and Christians did not exactly have the same privileges as Muslims but this was a great advancement especially for the time.

Further, I had the wonderful opportunity to visit the cities of Cordoba and Granada which remain a testament to the grandeur of Muslim society in that age. Their achievements in mathematics , science and medicine really pushed a rather backwards and superstitious western culture into the era of scientific and logical inquiry.

Given this early education, I am quite saddened when as an American I know that the first thought that enters an American mind when they hear the world "Islam" is that of a terrorist.

Again, as I have often written about, to truly understand another culture is a monumental task that even among the highly educated and elite is a difficult thing to do. Even though we now use the world "Global" in so many varied instances, most of them are trite when considering most of the world is stuck in a very tribal mindset. The first idea that appears when another culture is mentioned is roughly "Those people over there. People unlike me. The Others."

Instead, I wish more people would think like the following and to get my point across will use a simple example. Ohio and Michigan think of each other in "Us. vs. Them" mentality especially in sports. The first thing that enters my head when I think Michigan is the colors Blue and Gold and of a group that Ohio must always beat or stay ahead of. This is quite silly but it is true. However, it would be much better that I realize Michigan is our neighbor, a part of the larger group that is our Nation and we are all actually brothers.

Now taking this silly example and applying it to a serious topic, those that are educated in history realize that Judaism, Islam and Christianity are all different branches of the same tree. Yet, for 2000 years even highly educated people have not been able to reconcile this fact. It almost seems farcical that extremely intelligent religious leaders and saints have put out immensely thought out, logical and intelligent papers and books highlighting exactly why their own brand of faith is correct and the others are wrong. To the sceptical person, the core reasons of such papers seem akin to something like "Well, the magic bunny is not the savior of everything as he was not the offspring of the alchemist leprechaun." "Actually the savior is this mysterious stone with the eye painted on it and my magic stone trumps your magic bunny."

It might seem awful to write something so seemingly blasphemous but this is exactly what religious arguments start to sound like when one has read too many books and especially when people start to kill or hate others based on religion.

In fact, when one gets into these tiny details which highlight the differences between religion especially such things as the funny hats each of them wear it seems like a vast and tragic joke.

I often imagine what would happen should the creator of everything appear today and observe what has transpired in terms of religious belief over thousands of years there may be two reactions. The first and more comforting version is that the being would be extremely saddened to see how his creation could make up something as complex as current religious institutions that have been warring ever since their invention. He would be so disappointed that the main tenants and simple ideas such as taking care of each other and enjoying this wonderful planet have become so twisted into gigantic institutions and made up rituals.

The other scenario is that this being does not even see a difference between these terms of "good and evil." Things are simply the way they are and a different between good and bad simply do not exist. Therefore, even if someone was brutally murdered which in turn creates a cycle of sadness for the children and then disrupts the life of their descendants is neither good nor bad. Instead, once these people die and are on the other side it would seem as life was like that of a video game and any experience of life will always be a plus as it helped the soul grow . Of course this is a thought that I do not think any religious tradition espouses and is simply a thought.

I do have a hard time thinking the latter example as true and actually think that the human emotion is so strong it must make an impression somewhere, somehow in the cosmos and is being recorded. I do believe that helping others and being happy is very important not only for the individual but this energy somehow improves the overall environment and universe. I also subscribe to this idea of "attraction" which has been in many best selling novels in that positive thinking, actions create further positive thinking, actions, events and these things will actually manifest themselves.

Yet, when one tries to incorporate this energy into a systematic institution such as religion things can go vary wrong and the basic concepts from which these institution sprung become corrupted.

Now that we have started out on a very concrete topic and have veered into the subjective and intangible it is hard to try and climb back out of this theological black hole and to the subject of culture. I am quite sure that those who are able to think clearly about the central ideas of religion such as peace and love will vary easily be able to overcome the cultural differences. The reason is that they do not think of the other culture as inherently different but rather those in it as brothers and sisters who also wish to enjoy this beautiful planet we all inhabit.

It is almost as though the pure, loving ideas are being spoken very clearly and even received into the consciousness of the congregations yet true understanding is drowned out by the thumping techno beat of tribalism and "the others are different." We hear these words of peace and love in religion but their meanings are never truly comprehended as the institutions speaking them are enshrouded and built upon emphasizing the differences.

I can imagine a very learned and intelligent religious scholar reading this and treating me as a primary school student who dares venture into something so complex. Like a kindergardener describing a masterpiece to Michaelangelo. Michaelangelo would laugh at the youngster who knows nothing of paints, oils, lighting, depth and so on. Yet what Michaelangelo fails to see is that the painting is that of a wretched corps hanging from a noose which the youth can clearly understand and detests. Yet what Michelangelo sees is the incredible artistry of the depiction.

What we perceive of other cultures and beliefs will always be constructed from the various tidbits of information we receive. Many times the information will conflict and we will simply make a choice of which to believe and filter out contrary views based upon our current environment and corresponding belief system. But one will never be able to understand unless it is actually experienced.

Most Americans will associate Islam with suicide bombers and simply think "that is what that culture does," and not give it any deeper thought than that. Even those that are in charge of our national security and are paid to research this will most likely miss the point. The USA will spend so much time figuring out ways to prevent this from happening yet never understand clearly the "why?" For those that do understand they must experience the dreadful hopelessness and despair that the bombers do. No human is born with the desire to strap a bomb to themselves and kill others. A suicide is a suicide anywhere and is practiced by those who are under extreme duress or have bad wiring which if not inherited, was created from being in an unhealthy environment or state of mind. I imagine those spooks and security experts that do fully understand this also become quite depressed as the conditions that create these desperate situations are very complex such as that of the current situation in Palestine. It would seem that even though it is understood, there are too many forces at play and seemingly no way out which is quite depressing indeed.

It is futile to turn to religion in situations like this as it is an extreme case of us vs them mentality. Again the central tenant of religion to "take care of one another" is lost as religion has it's own individual interests and hopes for gain.

Or one could look at Iraq and when dissected how many individuals actually wish good for the Iraqi population. I would imagine a majority of Americans actually do but unfortunately it is the institutions which corrupt this honest and sincere hope. For the Christian institution, it might come with the requirement that the Muslims there convert to Christianity (such as Christian Koreans going over there to convert). For the Bush Administration it comes with the requirement of thousands of barrels of oil per day and a military base. The USA actually has a better record of supporting dictators than spreading democracy but as long as Bush repeats the words "Democracy and Freedom" loud and long enough it is very difficult psychologically to resist believing these words.

With all these complications and distractions, how is it possible that the individual will be able to think clearly about another culture. How will it be possible to actually believe that they are actually brothers and sisters? The majority of religions might pay lip service to this but it is rare to find a congregation that actually and truly believes it.

All of these ideas are the downside of learning and living abroad. The traveler has always been thought of as sophisticated because of the different points of view gained and the sophisticated debate in which they can engage. In fact, travelers often become more confused and instead of getting closer to the truth, it becomes much farther away. And when they hear such one sided debate and bias from otherwise intelligent people and these ideas spread to the general population, it becomes very depressing and there is a sense of being alone. There is so much lip service paid to "having an open mind" but actually having one is a very difficult thing to achieve. Same can be said with this term "Global." Just because you can see the ocean and even throw a ball into it does not mean one has actually swam in it.

And with that said, I return to the world of sound bites such as "surges, boots on the ground, hearts and minds, democracy, freedom." Actually it would not be surprising if I could actually use all these words, string them together with various verbs, adjectives and subjective phrases and convince more than a few people I know what's going on. "They gotta have FREEDOM, and to do so we gotta get A SURGE, BOOTS ON THE GROUND, AMERICA, can only help, HEARTS AND MINDS need to be LIBERATED, cause DEMOCRACY is the FREEDOM to SECURE the Iraqis from TERRORISTS." With that I've summed up the arguments of most Republican commentators in one sentence.

Understanding a different culture is difficult enough without such distractions, propaganda and spin.

It has been a very long while since I last wrote an entry in my blog. This may be due to the fact that life doesn't hold so many exciting discoveries when you're back in your home country and it's so easy to slip into monotonous routine.

However after watching the presidential debate I've made a very exciting discovery. I am now voting for Ron Paul for president.

Just hearing his name will cause most people to subtly smile as they know he will never be elected and is considered a bit "out there" even when they don't really know anything about candidates or politics at all.

The reason I have changed my mind is to a well traveled person such as myself, he is speaking the absolute truth that many Americans do not want to hear.

The Republican mentality is that of "America can do no wrong." They believe America must go attack other nations when "America feels threatened." And therefore, America must attack the terrorists before they attack the USA. However, Ron Paul is saying that one of the reasons people might want to attack America just may be due to American foreign policy of "supporting dictators," "attacking other countries" and bullying other nations.

And he is absolutely right.

The thing about most (if not all) of most of the candidates, Republican or Democrat, and like most Americans is that they've never lived abroad, learned another language, and thus can never understand a different mentality especially that of another culture. Thus, the thinking is always "us vs. them." Therefore, when Ron Paul explains that it is the bullying of other countries which creates resentment of America, the other candidates attack him by saying he is reading "their propaganda."

Every experienced traveler knows that a big portion of the world has really come to despise America due to the foreign policy. Terrorists are not attacking us because "they hate our freedoms," as the Republican candidates would have us believe. Terrorists attack for a variety of reasons to be sure, but if we fall back to 9-11 as the Republican candidates often do, shouldn't we look at where those terrorists came from and who is currently supporting their government? Perhaps it is not a question of who supports who but I'm sure the hijackers didn't wake up one day and say "ya know,, I really hate Americas Freedoms. Maybe I'll go hijack a plane and crash it into one of their buildings because of those damn freedoms."

However, most Americans really have no idea what goes on in the rest of the world and believe they are educated by watching CNN or FOX. These people are the majority and therefore will elect the president. Therefore, even though what Ron Paul is saying is spot on, he will not be able to win.

Republicans have become a party that supports and rewards aggression towards other nations. America will be your friend if you do what we say and we will give you money. However, if another nation takes the notion of sovereignty too seriously and it interferes with American interests, then American foreign policy is to interfere with the politics of that country.

It is my belief that most American people want peace. However, it is the government that has created a culture of fear in this country and have them believing the only way to be safe is to stay on the offensive and keep attacking others. The Republican candidates embody this and their ideology is "for security we must attack."

Yet, I have to be understanding in that most people have not had the opportunity to understand or even try to understand another viewpoint. If someone hates America and wants to do it harm, Republicans believe it is not necessary to look at the reason behind it, or even how they became that way. Their response is to attack. More often than not, the reason might be because of Americas own foreign policy.

Whenever Ron Paul spoke, the other candidates would snicker and smile. The good ole' boys club they were indeed. By snickering it sends the message of "I think your ideas are so ridiculous I'm going to make a silly face as though we cannot take you seriously." However, they knew Ron is a long shot so did not waste too much time piling up on him and concentrated their heaviest blows on each other.

It's ironic that the Christians are in the Republican camp. Doesn't Jesus say to love one another and turn the other cheek? That has definitely not been the course the Republican administration has been on nor are the current candidates advocating. Such hypocrisy baffles me. Perhaps that is "terrorist propaganda" as well? Speaking the truth has often been a very difficult thing to do throughout history and rarely wins you any friends, especially among the powerful. Jesus did it and look what happened to him.

As I click the button to post this on my site a scary thought just occurred to me. When I was in Vietnam and expressing my political opinion through my website I always had to think, "Am I going to get a knock on the door from the police the next day?" Now, I'm wondering if the American government will pick this up on their scanners and put it into my government profile. It makes me laugh to think how inefficient the Vietnamese government is and how they still probably use manila folders in big metal filing cabinets. Yet, I almost turn pale when I think of how much information the US government probably knows and how efficient it is.

As a last thought: Seriously..... President Huckabee????? How could the USA have a president with that last name... HONESTLY!!!!

One of the most intriguing things about living abroad, is the learning experience of returning to your native country and seeing norms, institutions, daily life with fresh eyes, almost comparable to that of a foreigner.

In some ways, I feel as though I have more control over my own life now that I have lived abroad and can look at things in my native country more critically now that I have a basis for comparison. Instead of simply saying "Well, that's just the way it is" or "It's what everybody does" I understand that what is "the norm" here in the USA may be the complete opposite in another country.

The ability to think through and rationalize problems, policies, ideas etcetera often follows a rather similar form of thought of any given country. If we break the country down into cities, towns, villages, we can more clearly understand that most people believe in the same things and have the same ideas as their neighbors. Yet, when we examine a nation as a whole, we have the tendency to believe (wrongly) that there is a large amount of diversity concerning opinions, beliefs and ideas.

Only after traveling large distances do opinions, ideas and beliefs drastically change. It is after experiencing these different forms of thought can we re-enter our own country with the confidence to challenge accepted norms that we perhaps simply accepted before as "the way things are."

One extreme annoyance that is accepted as "the way it is" in America is that one must endure around at least 25 sales pitches for services every single day. Almost none of these services are needed for survival and it seems like due to this constant, mind-numbing, barrage of solicitations it has turned the population into mindless zombies constantly craving more merchandise to sustain them or they will keel over and die.

The advertisements themselves don't even really need to make sense anymore as exemplified by the internet/communications companies whose services will allow you to "yap, zap, intertube" your way through the day all for the low low price of $60 a month.

This constant noise allows no room for any meaningful thought about what is actually important in life.

The purpose of life and society in America is to consume.

However, in S.E. Asia and especially Vietnam, there is time to think. They too will eventually become like the West in terms of sophistication in stealing, but at the moment, the companies are not clever enough to figure out how to shake every last cent out of their customers. There are times there unlike in America when someone or something is not trying to sell you a service and you can be alone with your thoughts.

Thus we come to my Coconut example which describes the anxiety I feel being back in the USA after living in Vietnam for two years. It also is a decent stab at an explanation of why I clearly prefer life in SE Asia over life here.

In America, like in Vietnam I am a consumer of basic services. In America one service I consume weekly is that of going to the bank to deposit my paycheck and take out some cash to sustain me until my next trip to the bank.

In Vietnam, one service I took advantage of on a regular basis was that of purchasing a coconut from the street vendor on my block. It quenched my thirst and was delicious.

The first time I purchased the coconut, he tried to overcharge me by 20 cents. However I knew the real price, told him I knew the price and he then charged me an honest price from then on. Every day from then on, I walk to his stand, hand him 80 cents and he gives me the coconut, end of transaction, and we are both happy.

Now let's pretend that coconut vendor had an MBA from a prestigious American University like those who run the bank I patronize here in the states and imagine what would happen.

I go to purchase the coconut from our recently educated friend and he greets me with a smile and asks "How are you?" like a robot would and not listening to my response. I hand him my money for the coconut to which he replies.

"Keep your money, you don't need to pay today for this coconut!"

He then proceeds to explain to me how I can pay him instead 5 cents a day for 25 days. However, I'm pretty sure I would be paying more for the same thing if I paid over time than right now to which he hands me a ten page explanation of the benefits of paying over time and how I could accumulate points on the "Thank You Network*" which points I could trade in for prizes by using this wonderful scheme.

I tell him, no thank you, I would rather pay right now, to which he replies, "Do you have our CoconutPlus* Membership Account card?" "It will save you 10% on your coconut purchase."

I start to get a little annoyed but politely decline the card.

"So you're sure you don't want to save 10% on your coconut purchase today? You could also accumulate frequent flier miles for use on coconut express airways for ever dollar you spend on our membership card."

Me: "No."

He then proceeds to explain how he can deliver 10 coconuts a week directly to my house for the low low price of $30 a month plus tax, fees etc.
I'm a little interested in this as I love coconuts, and it seems like a deal. So I take a look at his flier which shows in a very large text the "Bargain price of $30." However, as I take out my glasses to read the small print I see there is a "Convenience fee" of $10 per month as well as a "Service charge" of another $10 per month plus a "Delivery Charge" of $12 per month.

I start to get angry and tell him I just want a damn coconut and to take my ^%$damn cash.

To which he replies, "Oh, Congratulations Matthew, It shows me here on my coco computer that due to your excellent patronage of our store "Coconuts" and affiliates "Coconuts Plus" and "Coconuts Super Value" we can offer you our Coconut Visa with an introductory 0.0%APR a ten coconut line of credit and free balance transfers should you have coconut debt!

Me: "For the love of God, I just want one coconut, and want to give you this crummy 10,000VND bill for it. "

Vendor: Ok ok, would you like the Extra Value Coconut meal then? It's only 50 cents more and you get so much more Coconut!!"

Me: "NO!!!"

He takes my bill, looks at me with his soulless eyes and big smile and tells me to "Have a Great Day!"

Unfortunately, I cannot have a great day as I'm now exhausted from what feels like a 10 hour long battle of defending my finances from a giant, yet suspiciously pleasant green dragon.

For those who don't see the metaphor, at Bank of America, every single time I go to deposit a check, they tell me "Congratulations" and that I'm eligible for a Bank of America credit card. If I get "Congratulated" one more time I'm going to rip out my eyeballs. And today the teller actually did ask me if I already had another card, how much the APR was, and how much of a line of credit I had her. When I tried to politely insinuate it was none of her damn business it was as effective explaining Bio-Chemistry to the family dog.

I must go back to the world where people still smile with no hidden agenda. I must go back to a world of simplicity. I must go back to Asia.

Don't you remember? Marconi plays the mamaba,,listen to the radio....don't you remember?? We built this city, we built this city on rock and rollllllll.